A woman is talking in a meeting at work. She is interrupted by a man who thinks he has something more important to say. She gets red in the face. She starts stuttering. She raises her voice and says, “DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!”

He’s surprised. Everyone else in the meeting is surprised. For a second, nobody moves.

This is what it looks like to take up emotional space. And it is almost never allowed to happen.

Let me back up and define what I mean by “taking up space.” Taking up space shows up in so many ways. It means to exist, to be known, to change the environment, and to create “presence.” Today, we are going to start with the topic of emotional space.

What does it look like to take up emotional space in practice? It looks like sharing how you feel and letting that matter. Sounds simple, but think about it. It’s relatively rare, and you can probably think of the few people in your life who are liberated in this way. They feel angry, and they express anger. People around them probably get nervous. Maybe shrink. Because their anger is taking up the space.

The same thing happens with sadness. Someone feels sad, and they cry. This usually invites others to try to comfort them, but sometimes sadness also elicits guilt. This happens when someone acts in a hurtful way, and the person who has been attacked allows themselves to react with sadness instead of covering it up, laughing it off, or making the other person feel better. Isn’t this a rare thing?

Even more rare is taking up emotional space with discomfort. This is considered almost entirely socially unacceptable. Think about the stereotype of a kid sitting in the corner on their phone because they are uncomfortable. Although that is not entirely socially acceptable, it is still more socially acceptable than the same child being obviously nervous around adults, stumbling over their words because they don’t know what to say, or shrinking back because they feel so uneasy. Think about what those around them would probably do in this scenario. They would likely change the subject or create a diversion for the rest of the group so they did not have to face the discomfort of someone else’s discomfort. They would probably tell the kid to go play on their phone. 

A more acceptable way of taking up emotional space is with big, loud, authentic joy. Imagine someone who is so unbelievably happy and excited about life. Others around them might glance sideways at them, smile, or even laugh. Interestingly, this often invites jealousy, too.

Expressing our emotions is absolutely critical to our health. In the book “The Body Keeps the Score,” author Bessel van der Kolk explains that the body will express unprocessed pain through chronic stress, muscle tension, stomach issues, exhaustion, shallow breathing, and nervous system dysregulation. Over time, this affects people’s memory, sleep, and ability to feel safe. Something so basic to our wellbeing, and we have wrapped it in SO many social rules.

Not only do we need to understand the importance of letting our own emotions take up real space, but we need to learn to become more self-regulated and emotionally intelligent around other people’s emotions. Let’s play out a few scenarios to imagine what this could look like.

Back to that meeting. The man interrupted her without thinking about it. Her anger was in response to a real act of disrespect. By interrupting her, he was showing that he did not regard her thinking and her right to express her ideas. His were more urgent and, presumably, important.

Here is how it usually goes. The manager steps in and changes the subject. The other people in the meeting are uncomfortable but say nothing. Most likely, the woman is reprimanded for her “outburst” later, in private, with her manager. This is an unhealthy response.

A healthier response would look like this: The manager breathes and holds the space. She does not jump in to smooth things over. Everyone else in the room realizes that the manager trusts that this situation can be handled by the two employees in conflict. The surprised man who interrupted recognizes what he did. He apologizes to the woman and says that he did not realize what he had done and did not intend to disrespect her. He would not do it again. The woman is able to calm down. She reacted appropriately with anger. Expressed what she felt. And was met with acceptance, trust, safety, and respect. She softens and thanks him for the apology. The other team members relax. They admire the woman for standing up for herself. They admire the man for his humility. They admire the manager for the way she just held space for the team to work through the issue. I would work for this manager.

Let’s run through another scenario. Let’s make it about you. You have a small friend group that does everything together. You find out that two of your friends planned a fun weekend away and did not invite you. In fact, they planned the weekend somewhere you had been talking about for months. You are sad and hurt. Typically, what you might do is to stay silent. You might even withdraw from the friend group. Maybe you would call up another one of your friends to gossip about how you were left out. Maybe you would create your own weekend and not invite them. What happens as a result? Resentment builds in the friend group. The friend you looped in to gossip either feels uncomfortable or joins you in your anger and hurt. It becomes awkward when the group is together. The two friends who went away on the weekend together feel confused. Or angry. The group becomes more inauthentic and surface-level, or it fractures altogether.

Now, let’s look at what happens when you decide to take up the emotional space. You text your friends and ask them to come over for coffee, just the three of you. When they come over, you tell them that you have hurt feelings because they didn’t invite you over on the weekend. You felt left out, and you would have liked to have gone with them. They matter a lot to you, and you like spending time with them. At one point, your sadness becomes overwhelming, and you let yourself cry. You are not doing this to manipulate them or to create guilt, but just because that is how you feel. You don’t expect them to comfort you. But what happens next? They probably feel surprise, regret, maybe guilt. They look at each other with concern and then explain to you that it was unintentional. They just wanted to spend that time together, and it has nothing to do with them not wanting to spend time with you. They suggest that the three of you plan another trip with the whole group. If you are hugging friends, you hug. Maybe they cry too. There is a deep sense of trust, safety, and intimacy that the three of you walk away with.

Some people who have just read my scenarios might feel annoyed. These scenarios are unrealistic. That’s because two separate and unlikely things happened at the same time. The first thing that happened was that the person took up emotional space in a socially inconvenient way. They let their emotions interrupt the seemingly tranquil setting and expressed their disruptive truth. This is highly unusual. In my culture, at least, it is not socially acceptable to create potential conflict by expressing disruptive emotions. The second thing that happened is that everyone else involved in the interaction made room for the emotion. They did not gaslight it, did not defend themselves, did not punish it, did not try to hide it or move it into a private space. After they made room for the emotion, they digested it and let it impact them and their behavior and thinking. Even as I write this, I know that it is unlikely that someone who is taking up risky emotional space is going to be met with a healthy response. However, I think you should still do it. The reality is that you don’t know how people will respond to you or your emotions. It is so harmful to you and your health to suppress your negative emotions that it is worth the risk. Not only is it worth the risk, but you are giving people the opportunity to digest this emotion you have expressed. This creates trust and intimacy. This is a powerful way for you to take up space not only for you but for other people.

Let’s look at the healthy and unhealthy reactions of responders. Unhealthy reactions of people who are exposed to others’ emotions include: punishing them for their response. This might be emotional punishment, including giving the cold shoulder, using blame, guilt, or anger. This might also mean trying to cover up or ignore the emotion. Telling the person they are wrong to feel the emotion instead of trying to understand it and digest it. What do the healthy responses include? Probably the most important response is to make space for the emotion. It’s not a problem for another person to feel emotional. It’s healthy. It’s okay. We won’t explode as a group. We trust others in a group to be able to handle emotions because we do not think they are bad or a threat. We consider what is causing the emotion, and we are supportive in finding a way to create a safer space for that person in the future. We react with humility and not defensiveness. We are not trying to be right all the time. We are trying to be collaborative. It’s not a problem if we have done something wrong or could do something better. We are happy with that as a possible reality.

I hope this piece has inspired you to consider how you might take up more emotional space in your life. Be brave to express and to feel. And I hope it has shown you where you can become healthier in how you respond to other people. You can digest their emotions, hold space for them, and listen to what they might be teaching you.

Tell your disruptive truth. You don’t know how people will respond. You should do it anyway. It will make the world a better place.

I’m Jessica Pingel. I’m a life coach, human behavior nerd, former corporate program leader who specialized in messy, high-stakes work, entrepreneur, traveler, and renovation artist. (*Notes the failed TLDR*). The moral of the story is that I like building things, identifying patterns, and helping people. Subscribe to my newsletter and follow me on Instagram and TikTok for more thoughtful chaos. Book a free chemistry session with me if you want to try coaching!