What does it mean to “be real?” The answer is kind of like an onion….with layers. For example, being real might include posting full-length, unedited pictures of yourself on social media. Sharing your actual opinion in a meeting. Using your normal speaking style instead of corporate language at work. Telling your friend a hard truth. Maybe it’s not wearing Spanx when you know your dress hugs the curves you didn’t really want to show.

For me, being real means telling the truth where it actually matters. I don’t think it’s necessary to show everyone everything. Although, to be fair, that is a little bit of the brand I’m developing for myself. But I think it means telling the truth about the things that matter in context.

There is a former coworker I admired because they had the nerve to say the thing everyone else was avoiding. They asked questions when things didn’t make sense. They highlighted inconsistencies when leadership had gaps in their logic. What I noticed was that their honesty opened the floor for other people to share their real perspectives.

Once, this colleague was involved in building a system meant to help our vertical scale output by more than 10x. Leadership made a decision that would have added significant friction to the process. Everyone saw it. No one said anything. Then my colleague pointed out the problem, and I could hear everyone in the room suck in their breath. The leader immediately acknowledged the error and adjusted the plan. That one comment probably saved the company thousands, if not millions, of dollars.

There is a concept often highlighted in leadership materials called the Dunning-Kruger effect. It’s when someone overestimates their own competence because they don’t know enough to recognize what they don’t know. It’s an epidemic in corporate leadership. And it’s expensive.

It is a liability for people not to be real.

In my personal life, I’ve made honesty a core way that I show up in the world. When my friends ask for advice, I tell them the real thing, even when it’s hard to hear, because I care about them too much not to. Some of them get angry. But most of them become repeat customers. I’m the one they call when they need the ugly truth.

When I fight with my husband and I was the one who started it, with my pride, my manipulation, my selfishness, I name it. Now he does too. There’s no shame in that. There’s relief. We don’t have to perform, and we don’t have to pretend. We don’t have to risk gaslighting from the other. 

But I still hide my Amazon packages.

What’s up with this? 

The pattern seems to be that the places where I’m honest are places where I’ve stopped treating the truth like a threat. At work, a former colleague could say the hard thing because she cared more about what was true than about staying comfortable in the room. In my marriage, I can name my pride or my manipulation because I’m not using perfection as the condition for being loved. With my friends, I can say the difficult thing because I trust that honesty is part of care. 

But with the packages, I’m still protecting something. My image. I want to be seen as responsible. Disciplined. Someone who makes intentional choices and actually lives by her own standards. And then the Amazon box shows up on the porch.

Just a stupid little piece piece of evidence that I’m still human in a place where I’d prefer to look more controlled. I’m worried I’ll be like my parents. I can never let that happen. And just like that, I declare myself guilty. The guilt sinks to my toes and I feel the heavy shame pool at my feet. 

Maybe being real isn’t about becoming more exposed or making my life available for public consumption. Maybe it’s about becoming less afraid of what’s true in me. Removing the gavel from my hand and acquitting. Because the less I judge myself for it, the less I need to manage what other people see. The less I need to manage what I admit to myself about myself. 

So I guess those are the lessons I want to share. Let’s recap. 1) Being real is essential to a full life, and maybe even to creating a better world. 2) Not being real is expensive. 3) Not feeling safe enough to be real is natural. 4) Being real creates deeper, more meaningful relationships. 5) Most of us have areas in our lives where we are not real because we are still judging ourselves. 6) It is worth working through the things that keep us from living a full, authentic life out in the open.

I hope you do the work. 

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